Sometimes, I look at my life and I just have to smile. It may not be perfect, it may not be easy, but I am happy. I can truly say that now, finally.

Asheville’s been good to me. I moved here when I had no home, no money, nothing. Russ kicked me out of our house and I hadn’t been allowed to work for over a year, everything was in his name… I was flat broke. All I had was my car and my name. I was a wreck. All I knew was that I needed a new start and somewhere with good music and good food. Asheville was 70 miles away from Russ and fit the bill.

I found a job, a house, made some friends who helped through some of the most difficult times in my life. Thank you Asheville.

I haven’t posted about a few things because I haven’t been able to fully deal with them. But, here goes…

I lost my Copper on June 10.  My fuzzy-wuzzy, scratchy face. My heart. My best friend of 11 years went to the Rainbow Bridge because of a horrible disease called Degenerative Myleopathy. Copper and I had been dealing with it for almost 3 years, and it just got too much for him to handle. He was depressed and I was in denial. It was the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. I think about him every day and I’ll always miss him. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to have another dog, but I know there is another out there who needs rescuing and when the time is right, I’ll find him.

The day after I lost Copper, Ron and I headed out to Manchester, Tennessee for Bonnaroo. I couldn’t wait to get out there. I wanted to be surrounded by my ‘Roo family, I wanted to be in my favorite place on Earth. I needed love, and lots of it.

Ron and I were having a blast. Old friends and new friends, music, love, happiness. Life was good. On Friday at Bonnaroo, I ran into Matt, my ex after Russ, most of you know him as carpediem01 on tumblr. Well, he was awful to me. He said mean hateful things, but I understand. We had a tumultuous, crazy, 8 months. But, we were not meant to be together. Things happen, people don’t always work out, and there isn’t always a happily ever after.

I had barely gotten over our horrible meeting on Friday, when I learned that Matt passed away early Sunday morning at Bonnaroo from heat exhaustion. Sunday afternoon, I wake up from a nap to everyone crying, and they all tell me…

Our last meeting he screams and yells at me and then he dies. Nothing. No closure. No making up. Over. Done.

I was so angry and so sad. Here I am, my favorite place, our favorite place, my Copper just passed away, Russ, who I went to Bonnaroo with 4 times, is here with another girl just a few campsites away, Matt is dead and I’m with my new boyfriend and my Bonnaroo family and have no clue what to do. I went into shock. 

Something in me snapped into place. I quit crying after a few moments. I drank a Crown Royal in honor of Matt and tried to enjoy the rest of Sunday night. He would have wanted that. Matt was in my life for exactly one year. I met him at Bonnaroo and lost him there. I know he only said those hateful things because he was passionate, he loved me at one time, and was hurt I didn’t love him back. I understand.

I’ve dealt with it OK. I still don’t believe it happened sometimes. But, it’s all a part of life. I miss him. I hate how we ended, but I believe he came into my life for a reason and I’m blessed to have known him. He helped me get away from Russ and he was one of the reasons I moved to Asheville. So, he paved the was for me to meet Ron, and for that, I couldn’t be more grateful.

People come and go in and out of our lives. They may be there for a minute or they may be with us for years… but they all serve a purpose. They all help make us who we are suppossed to be. Russ wasn’t the man I was supposed to end up with, but without him, I would have never made it to Ron. Without Russ I would have never known how strong I was. I would never have known how much I could take, and how much I could love. Even though he was so wrong for me, I’m thankful to have known him and to have had him in my life. Everything, him included, has led me to right here, and for that I am happy.

Because of Russ, I’ve learned so much about myself and love. I’ve learned that just because everyone tells you you’re perfect together, you don’t have to believe it. You don’t have to stay with someone because you’re “supposed to.” Don’t trick yourself into being happy - if you’re not, you’re not. You don’t have to settle. All the money in the world doesn’t matter if you’re miserable. And everything happens for a reason, even if the world is collapsing around you… things will get better.

Out of all this craziness, I found Ron. We found each other. I found someone I can call my soul mate, my pull-apart, my other half. All the bad that has happened led me right to him. All the turmoil. All the heartbreak. All the broken promises led me right to him.

I look at myself in the mirror now and see lines that weren’t there a few years ago, I see grey hairs that I never thought I’d have. I see a rounder figure than I used to have. I see tiredness when I used to be up for anything. I see a woman. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m an adult, and I’ve suffered. I’ve gone through the saddest times I ever could imagine. I’ve experienced things I’ve never wanted to, but I made it through. And I am content with myself.

I’ve found someone to stand by me, and even though I now know I can stand on my own if I have to, I love Ron beside me. I had to hit the very bottom… and I did. But, I’m better for all of this. I’m better for him because of everything I’ve gone through. I’ve found my own strength and am at peace with myself and everything that has happened.

I am happy.