So, we are headed down to Charleston this weekend for a wedding. Well, Ron’s ex lives there, he still has some stuff at her house and he thinks this will be a perfect time to grab it. Sure, why not. He hasn’t spoken to her since they broke up a year ago, she never comes up, he’s over her, he loves me, I know this. But DAMN if this doesn’t rip apart my insides and make me feel like I’m going to puke up everything I’ve eaten for the past month.

I hate the idea of him talking to her, seeing her. hate hate hate hate it. This is terribly two-faced of me since I have to deal with Russ about once a month because he will go on a drunken tirade and post horrible shit about me on his and my Facebook wall, and I still have stuff in our old house and at his parent’s house. I know this, and I know I’m being irrational and silly and petty and childish. BUT I CAN’T HELP IT!

So, anywho, I went by Ron’s work yesterday to bring him something, and I’ll admit, I did take an hour (or more) getting ready before leaving the house. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be pretty for your guy, or yourself, whatever. Well, I stop in and this girl he works with gives me the evil eye the whole time I’m there. She never speaks to me, and yesterday is no different. She treats me like this every single time I go by there. Everyone else he works with is super sweet to me, kind, always asking if we are excited about the move and at least makes small talk with me. But not this one chick.

Well, I leave after a little while and head home. Ron finally gets home and he says, “Wow, she does NOT like you.” She apparently treated him like crap the rest of the day after I left. Then he tells me this little gem, “She kept saying how much she liked my ex.” He mentioned he had to get some things from her house this weekend, and that’s what she said… “I really liked her!” What. A. Bitch.

So, he tells me this and I lose it. I hate feeling like that. I’m already in a state of near panic because he has to even talk to his ex and then this… I just started having racing thoughts, a mild panic attack, shutting down and putting up walls. My heart raced my head swam and because I’m completely irrational at this moment, I decided that Ron was leaving me for his ex and that our relationship was worthless.

Being sane, I told him this.

Then I ripped off my pinky toe nail. Clean off. Hurt like hell, but I had to do that, or scream.

Then I said things like, “I don’t know why I’ve invested any time into you, our whole relationship is all for naught.” That sorta thing.  Yep, sane Dani was sane.

I was so convinced that he was going to leave me that I was going to do it first. And do you know what he did? He looked at me, said, “Are you going to apologize for being hurtful and mean?” I said yes and then he gave me a big hug and we went to bed. I wasn’t over it all but I’m so thankful to have a guy like him. Even at my most over-the-top, girly, irrational craziness, he is a rock. My rock.

I was still a nervous wreck and couldn’t sleep a wink, but having him there with me helped. Oh and in my sleepless delirium I imagined that I was the lead singer in a band called “Jocasta and the Linebackers.” Where that one came from, I have no idea.

So, today I’m fine. Of course. I hate being a silly girl. I’m still not OK with him talking to his ex, but I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

No matter how old I get or how “mature” I become, I will still be that fat, insecure, nervous wreck of a little girl on the inside always waiting for the bottom to fall out of anything good…